Been a long time...

Yeah, it's been a while.

I got really sick with morning sickness and left of the computer almost completely.  Then, I just didn't come here.

Not much going on.  I'm finally no longer sick.  I feel stretched.  I'm in the waiting game.

I haven't felt the baby move, yet.  I think I have an anterior placenta, so it's not likely I will feel tadpole move all that much.  

Life is just pushing on as it does.  A lot of my friends think I'm weird since I don't get all giddy about having a baby and just love every minute of my pregnancy like they did.  Well, I don't get giddy about much, and I'm pretty miserable as a pregnant person.

I finally had to start using my bed stairs.  I have a tall four-poster bed.  I can no longer get in it on my own.  So, I need the stairs.

And talk about timing.  The adoption agency called.  Guess what they have!  It's their policy not to adopt a child out to a pregnant couple, though.  It's biracial and everyone on their list wants a white child except us - we don't care about the race.  If they can't find anyone, they'll give us a call.  So, we'll see.

I guess see you in a few more months, knowing me!  :)

Little Tadpole

Little tadpole is 2.2 mm right now. It has a strong heartbeat. We got to see and hear it! My levels are good, and I go off injection progesterone in one more week!

Grow, little tadpole, grow.......

It's all about to change....

Wednesday night I ran out of my drugs after taking Wednesday's dose. I'm scheduled for Friday to get my pregnancy test, so do I fork over more money for drugs I may not need, or do I change my appointment for Thursday?

Thursday morning I wake up really early and am bleeding. I'm really freaking out at this point. As soon as I get to work, I email my nurse (the phone won't work until 8:30 am). She calls so quickly after I email and tells me to come on in.

I go in, get pricked, and talk to her for a little bit. We talk about my migraines and how bad they're getting. She gives me the okay for caffeine!!!! She also gives me some progesterone that another person donated (so sweet!).

I go back to school. It's my planning period, but I proctor my tests & quizzes for my students who are in our Academic Support program. We have proctors, but we don't have science proctors. They are not able to reword questions or have memory triggers from what we did in class. It's a tough quiz, and there are four kids I'm working with very closely when the nurse calls. I step outside the testing room and answer the phone.

Nurse: "How are you feeling, Dana?"
Me: "Nervous."
Nurse: "You shouldn't be."
Me: "You mean....?"
Nurse: "Yes, Congratulations!"
Me: cry cry cry cry cry

I'm pregnant!!!

I'm spotting because my progesterone levels are too low, so they added an oral progesterone to my pill collection. But, my estrogen is really high, so they lowered that medicine. That may be where my migraines are coming from since they've gotten so bad.

I don't think reality has set in. I mean, man, I'm pregnant. I don't know how many yet. I will find that out next week when I go in for my "first" ultrasound. So today, I'm cleaning out the home office, because that's going to be our nursery!! We're not moving the furniture until we're into the second trimester, but it needs cleaning out anyway.

Wow, I'm pregnant. Life has changed...

One week down; one to go...

My FET was 8 days ago. My pregnancy test is in 7 days. I've tried not to analyze everything that I feel or think. A few hours after transfer I started to get the beginnings of a migraine. Thankfully it stayed low grade, but it stayed...until Monday. Tuesday was a great day! Then Wednesday hit.

I've had migraines for 18 years. I know how they start; I know how to take care of them. But, my migraine meds are off limits as of transfer. So Wednesday morning I wake up and can tell one is coming. Usually, at that point I would take an imitrex shot and a long hot shower. But, imitrex is not allowed. So, I suck it up and proceed to vomit my intestines up.

Two hours and five vomits later I'm in tears as I tell my sub what do, prep seat work for the kids, and call my chiropractor and doctor. I have a fabulous (and painful) massage. I go home and fall asleep. The nurse calls and gets the particulars of my migraine history and my current migraine. She tells me it is probably the estrogen I'm taking. I told her it is following normal pattern. She called back and said I could have my imitrex until I have a positive pregnancy test. UGH! 6.5 hours and 2 doses later, I can finally crawl out of bed without a migraine. If I had taken that shot at 6:00 in the morning along with my shower, they would have never known at work that I had woken up with a migraine!!! So, I lost a day of my week.

My father did a good job with the shots, but I'm glad my husband is back. There's just something creepy showing one's backside to one's father.

Today has been a roller coaster ride. I got home from a school activity and found blood when I went to the bathroom. It was light pink, and I haven't seen it since. Implantation? I'm hoping. As I said before - seven days left.

The transfer

I had the day off yesterday. I woke up at 8:00 and felt really nervous. It took me a while to figure out why I was so nervous. I wondered - "What if this doesn't work?" Then I realized it' not what if it doesn't work. If it doesn't work nothing changes. But if it does work - my life will be completely different.

I drank my water like a good girl at 9:30. By 10:00 my bladder was angry with me. My husband and I walked into the procedure room and saw a picture of two blastocysts on the computer monitor. I walked up to the picture and pointed at it, unable to speak. The nurse started to explain it's because they were frozen and then thawed. I stopped her and then asked in a choked voice, "Are those mine?" She smiled and said, "Yes! This is where the tears begin." She hugged me and then told me to go get ready - but not to go to the bathroom.

I got ready and assumed the position. She laughed that I had gotten on the bed and stirrups correctly without being told how. I had obviously been through a lot of monitoring.

The embryologist came in and talked to us about the procedure. It was the first time I had met him. He was really nice. He is from Hungary and has a cool accent. He is also extremely professional and has a comforting demeanor.

The RE came in and got us started. It went very quickly. Before I knew it we were done. The embryologist came back in and shook our hands. He then handed Jason a copy of the blasts! I'll publish them soon, but right now I want to keep them to myself. Right now, they're my kids.

So, my two week wait (2ww) is here. I go in April 3 for my pregnancy test. Until then, I consider myself pregnant. No caffeine (yikes!), migraine meds, alcohol, etc. And it begins...

The verdict on the shots...

They really aren't that bad! I've been on an online forum for support. They have just complained about the progesterone shots and I had gotten really nervous about them. I promise you tetanus shots are harder than these guys for me.

Yeah, my husband is really awesome!!!

And it starts....

My first progesterone shot was today. I sat for 30 minutes on a heating pad and waited for my butt muscles to warm up. I prepared the shot and called my husband.

I leaned over and he asked if I was ready. The needle was definitely noticeable unlike the HCG IM shot. He checked for blood and started the plunge. He did inject slowly, so the actual injection did not hurt. He pulled out, and whoosh........blood comes out. I filled up almost the entire napkin we had ready. I now have a little band-aide. I'll have lots of band-aides by the time this is over....... Overall, wasn't bad. Don't really want to do it for the next 14-16 weeks, but I think it is definitely worth a pregnancy.

Transfer is in about 108 hours. Counting down....

Endo Check

My endometrium is measuring 7.1 mm. My doctor was hoping it would be at least 8.0 mm by now. But since I just stopped bleeding a couple of days ago (after 9 days of bleeding) it is understandable and not doing too badly.

I have to up my estrace dose (you don't want to know how I administer it) and start my progesterone Sunday. I transfer on March 20, and my husband leaves town for 5 days on March 23. So, I have asked my father to administer my progesterone IM shots. He is a retired neurosurgeon for animals.

He was so cute about it. He called me up and said he is not sure he is comfortable with that. He doesn't know human anatomy and though I'm bitchy I am not a dog. I told him I would show him where to shoot me up. He said I talked him into it. It's still weird to think about having my father shoot me in my butt. We'll see.

How horrible am I?

We currently have four pregnant teachers at my school (that I know of). There are two in the school level where I teach (middle school). I went to the baby shower for one of the pregnant teachers, ignored two (both elementary) and have just received the invitation for the last.

A few weeks ago I gave that teacher a crocheted baby blanket I had made. I went to her and asked her if she would mind if I didn't go.

Am I being selfish? I just don't want to go through all the words about being pregnant and how being a mother is so wonderful and the best thing in the world. I get paranoid. Will they ask me when I'm going to have kids? They probably don't even think it, but I do enough for them.

I'm hoping that if this doesn't work and my hormones go back to "normal" without all this medically induced emotional rollercoaster I will not mind going to these things and being so happy for the women having babies. I want to be happy for them. I am happy for my friends. Is it okay to just not celebrate with them for a little bit?

Spring always helps

It rarely snows in Georgia, but we had a big one last week (for Georgia). I am so ready for the spring. So, the snow if finally gone and the temperatures reached the 70's this weekend. It was nice this weekend. I went to a lacrosse game for my school and actually got burned on my nose and neck.

The temps having definitely brightened my spirits. I am feeling hopeful again.

I had a neurology appointment earlier this week. I have severe migraines, so I visit my neurologist every three months. He officially took me off my migraine meds since we are progressing to transfer. My migraines are trying to hit me, but I've staved them off for now.

We can do this....it will work.....I have to hope as I go insane.

Another hard post....

It's another hard day on the 'ole emotions. A pet project at work is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it. It was taken out of my hands at the beginning of the school year against my will. The person they gave it to, cause they thought he was more qualified, is tearing it apart. It hurts to see it fall apart. With my emotions already on edge I feel like I am falling apart, too.

I'm working hard with the students, going to their after school activities, getting to know parents.....you know - staying busy. It helps, but I'm getting really tired.

Ultrasound is coming up. Hopefully it will be good news and it will brighten my spirits.

These emotions are not mine, I hope.

So Sunday I was in church. We actually got there on time, I felt well rested, it was raining (and I LOVE rain), and things were just going my way. I should have known then.........

In my church we have congregational singing instead of a choir. I love it that way. We were standing singing a song I've known my whole life and love to sing: "We will glorify the King of kings; we will glorify the Lamb." I was also watching the family in front of me that you could tell just loved being a family together.

They have biological children of their own but opened their home and hearts to a sibling couple and adopted them a couple of months ago. The younger one is about four years old.

The little boy walked quickly from his older sister to his mom and streached his arms out to her. Mom got a big smile on her face, put her songbook down, picked the boy up, and was rewarded with the biggest hug in the world.

It was beautiful. It was precious. It was amazing and all that it should be. I burst into tears.

I have never minded being infertile. If we don't have kids, Jason and I are perfectly happy with just us. But, I have been pumping my body with hormones it is not used to. Now I get angry and teary-eyed when I see people have what I am trying to have.

I love the women at my work. They are fabulous Christian women. I have not told them I'm in the middle of IVF because that's just me. I don't want to answer a thousand questions from them about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, how's it going. But I can't sit with them at lunch much longer. I'm tired of listening to them talk about what their pregnancy was like. How their childbirth experiences compared. Planning baby showers and nurseries. One even talks about how being a mother is the only way a woman in the world should be. Yeah, she has two and easily conceived both.

Before I started IVF, these things did not bother me. So, they must be fake emotions. They are my drug-induced emotions and do not belong to me.

March 20 is THE day......

Not much has been happening. On Feb 18 I started lupron and waited for menses. I came yesterday......which means, the real fun starts.

I called my doctor yesterday to let her know I had started. They worked out when I would transfer and called me back. I transfer on Friday, March 20. When the nurse said that, my gut clenched! I actually started shaking a little bit. It's real. It's actually going to happen.

Tomorrow (March 1) I start baby aspirin, estrace, and pull mt 0.2mL lupron shot to 0.05mL. In a week I get my endometrium size checked to see if my body is properly "nesting". If it is I start progesterone shots (IM).

Oh, I've heard horrible things about IM progesterone. It's in oil and the oil apparently builds up in my skin giving me painful knots at the injection sites.

If all goes to plan (which when has it?) I'm off work March 20 and have two thawed 5-day blasts inserted into my body. I start the dreaded two week wait where I go back for a pregnancy test. So, counting today, I'll know in 35 days.........wow.

Am I doing the right thing? I can still back out. I like my life without children. *sigh* I know it's all worth it in the end. I just feel out of control. For a perfectionist control freak like me, that is not a good feeling.

Just keep on keeping on as Joe Dirt would tell me......

The Lord has Blessed Me!!

I am on a forum where I meet and talk with other women who are also having to go through infertility and infertility treatments. There is a lot of different types of treatments on that forum: ivf, iui, clomid, etc.

One of my friends from there went through a retrieval on Sunday. They retrieved only four eggs and only one of those fertilized. I have questioned why my retrieval was so painful. I know now....at least I think I know.

I retreived 48 eggs, and it mae me very very sick. They tried to fertilize 8 eggs. Six fertilized. Two of them went to blast and will be transferred next month. I start my FET protocol tomorrow (Feb 18).

It is doubtful I will need my other eggs. So, we will donate them to other women who cannot produce their own eggs. I went through hell so others can have children.

Thank you, God!!!!

An up!!!!

So, I've been having a hard time emotionally lately and praying for an up in my life. I finally got one!

When I got OHSS I gained 7 pounds of fluid. I wasn't sure how long it would take me to lose the fluid. I drank 2 liters of water everyday and exercised. I have now lost 8 pounds!! I lost all the fluid plus one extra pound. It doesn't sound like much, but with my hormone imbalance, losing weight is difficult.

It's money...

I received a bill today. My goodness....we've already paid over $10,000 to these guys. This bill is another $4,000. We have tapped into our equity. Here's another amount coming out. Why doesn't insurance pay for any of this? It hasn't even paid for my hetastarch which was a treatment for an illness. *sigh* There are supposed to be ups and downs. I've had too many downs lately....I need an up.

AHHHHHH Make It Stop!

Before my PCOS symptoms showed up, I was regular. I had small cramps (Advil took care of it) the day before I started. I had 2 light days, 3 heavy days, and then 2 light days. Then done. I barely noticed my periods. Whlile on birth control for PCOS, I followed the same pattern.

I haven't had a real period in almost two years. I have had 3 induced periods. The first one was after 14 months, so it was hard - bled for 24 days...but, not too heavy and no real cramps.

I was on estrogen shots for over two weeks. My endometrium measured over 11cm at its greatest. So now that it's time to bleed, I'm feeling it. It's now been 8 days of HEAVY flow. I have cramps to no end. I also am still bloated from my hyperstimulation. My emotions are still going crazy so I cry and then yell in the same breath.

Make it stop!!!! When will my period end???

IVF controversy

So the octuplet controversy is going on right now. There was a woman who had 8 babies last week and it has come out that she used IVF to have her children. Oh Boy! This will hurt the image of those of us undergoing IVF. I am thankful the women at my work have not brought this up at lunch yet. But, they will.

I work at a conservative Christian organization. They are pretty progressive for our faith, but they are conservative for mainstream society. What will they think? I don't really know or care, but I don't want to know by having a discussion. I'm just worrying for nothing, I know. I guess it's just part of the hormones streaming through my body.

We got our thaw consent forms in the mail. Normal, expected, but there was something that bothered me. Did I read it that there is really only an 8% chance for the FET to work? AHHHH! No, it is more. I must think positively.

I begin Lupron Feb 18th. We'll see........

After retrieval

It is now Fri, Jan 30. I went through a week of work. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out physically and emotionally. I don't want to be doing this right now. I want to go back to lucky-go-happy Dana. I want to stop crying.

My best friend had a baby last year. He will be a year old in March. You know what's funny - she was on birth control when she got pregnant. I am so happy for her. She loves her son; and he's adorable.

But, it's not fair. Why are there some women who can easily get pregnant and some who cannot? My best friend is a great mother but why do some people who have no business being parents pop out child after child after child? My husband would be a great father. I should say, my husband WILL be a great father.

Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? God, am I supposed to be a mother? Right now, I have no idea why I'm doing this?

My period started yesterday. On its own for the first time in almost 2 years. It's a hard one, too. I actually have cramps. I haven't had cramps in years. For those of you who have horrible cramps and PMDD, I'm sorry. I hope I'm not being insensitive to you. My emotions are up and down, up and down.

Now, it's time to prepare the uterus on Feb 18 I start lupron shots. I ordered my meds and yesterday and got them today. I went to a movie with my husband. We had a good time. When we got home, I cried. Why? Because that's what I do. I need a pick-me-up. Any takers?

Stimulating ovaries

I know it's a lot of posts on one day, but I'm catching you up to today :).

In October, we (my husband and I, cause he's doing this with me) started our first IVF cycle. My protocol was follistim and ganirelex. I went in every morning for my bloodwork and ultrasound (vaginal, btw). They were testing my estradiol levels and how many follicles my ovaries were developing. I was going no where.

It turned out, my injection pen malfuntioned (or I did). It wasn't delivering the follistim. When we discovered this on the fifth day, they upped my dose to make up for lost time.

I had taken every morning off for a week. I teach, so that meant sub plans. Thankfully they were working on a group project, so the sub just needed to be crowd control.

My ovaries started to develop, but not fast enough. They cancelled my treatment. I was heartbroken, I think. My estrogen levels were so out of wack my emotions were running wild. I cried at the doctor's office with the IVF nurse, but not because I was upset about the cancellation. But because I just cried. The nurse told me she could tell my hormones were all wrong, so I needed to cancel. So, they gave me some drugs to stop the stimulation and to have those follicles absorbed. I went in for a supression check. Guess what - the follicles exploded! I was stimulating like I needed to, only it was too late. And, I couldn't start immediately. It was now November. The IVF lab closes for Christmas, and with that schedule I'd run into Christmas.

They induced another period around Christmas time. It started on Sat, Jan 3, so I went to the doctor's office on Sun (yes, I went on the weekends). They gave me a supression check and started me on my meds again on Monday. This time I went to the doctor at 7:00 in the morning so I wouldn't need a sub. I didn't grow very fast. On day five they started talking about canceling. But, I was a late bloomer....wait, please..... On Friday they needed my estradiol levels to be at 400 or greater. At school we were having a Spiritual Renewal Day. I was a basket-case. I tried really hard to be a part of the festivities. When the phone rang from the nurse, I ran to answer it.....quivering the whole way. "Dana, your estradiol is at 487." I cried!!!!!!!

Within a week my levels were up 5500. It was bad. I overstimulated. I started to retain fluid. I got really tired. I started to feel sick. It's known as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).

It started to hurt to sit down. Once seated I was fine, but getting there was a pain in the ovaries. It hurt to stand up. When I was on my feet all day, and at the end of the day I was miserable.

On Sun, Jan 18 I went in for retrieval. They gave me hetastarch before I started and retrieved the eggs - 48 of them! That's A LOT of eggs. They tried to fertilize 8 and succeeded with 6. They froze 33 eggs. I woke up feeling horrible, and it went down from there.

I had a bad week. I felt like a curse word I don't like to say, but it rhymes with dog poop. My abdominal area swelled and I gained 7 pounds of fluid. I was in PAIN. I was on Percocet, so I slept most of the time.

I returned to light duties at work on Mon, Jan 26. Oh, I hurt. I was angry. I already hated my body. When I was a kid, I danced. I had a body of pure muscle. I now know I was beautiful. Now I am fat. I have a BMI of just less than obese (thanks PCOS). The OHSS made me worse. I no longer fit in my size 12 clothes. I have three pairs of pants that I can wear to work - one of them maternity. I feel disgusting and angry. Also, I'm off my daily estrogen injections, and my emotions are feeling it.

Why don't you just adopt?

When I learned I couldn't have kids, I didn't mind sharing it with people. It didn't bother me I couldn't have kids. There were so many options, and being childless is not the end of the world.

I stopped telling people though. Many felt sorry for me. I didn't want that. Others tried to give advice. They were well intentioned, so I didn't mind. But I really stopped for one reason:

"You know the cure for infertility......adopt. As soon as you adopt, bam, you'll get pregnant. It's because you'll no longer be stressed about having a baby. You can just relax and let it happen."


THWAP!

That's me, smacking the person for telling me that. I am NOT infertile because I am stressed. I'm stressed because you keep making insensitive comments. Go away! (Not you, my reader)

You'll have trouble having kids...

My gyn told me that six years ago. Okay, I was 25 and wasn't thinking about kids yet, so I didn't care. What I cared about was the fact that I was rapidly gaining weight, getting more acne than when I was a teenager, and growing a moustache. I was fine not having my menstrual cycle. It was a pain in the rear end anyway. But, I was diagnosed with PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. A syndrome doctors only cared about when their women couldn't have kids and pass on the fantastic doctor genes. But, at least there was a treatment - birth control. I didn't want kids anyway.

Fast forward to 2007 (two years ago). I was 29 and in my last year of grad school. I had a great job, made good money, and was ready to become an adult. My husband and I started talking kids. So, off the pill I went (okay, it was the Nuvaring, which is an awesome BC). And three months later, the periods stopped again.

So back on the BC for a few months, off the BC for a few months, on the BC.......(see where this is going?).

My emotions were nuts! I stressed over nothing and was depressed. And I'm an eater when I'm depressed....packed on the pounds. I wasn't freaking out about kids, though. My husband and I were okay without them. Our lives were still fulfilled, and we didn't need kids to complete us. But, I had to deal with those emotions. Enter Endocrinologist.

I was recommended to a great endocrinologist who had turned fertility specialist. She poked and proded and measured and really looked at what was going on. Most PCOS is caused by insulin intolerance, but not all. A small percentage of women with PCOS are caused by other things. I am one of that small percentage. My LH is waaaaaaaaaay too high. The normal LH:FSH ratio is 1:1. A PCOS woman is usually 3:1. Mine is 12:1. So, my little follicles don't get a chance to produce an egg. Therefore, my ovaries aren't producing my normal hormones. That causes the other symptoms.

My PCOS is so bad, there's really nothing anyone can do about it. In her time working with PCOS patients (since the early 1980's), she informed me I am the worst case she had ever seen. Lovely. Treatment options: birth control.

Do we wanna have a baby?

I was 30. Good education, great job, why not? I wasn't getting any younger, and neither were my eggs. Wait, what eggs? Okay, I know the path of making eggs. Women are like scorpions. We are born with all the eggs we'll have - our venom. But, they are all stuck at Stage I Meiosis. Each month one (typically) develops to Stage II so you have one egg and three basal bodies. (I'm a science teacher.) The LH in my body was not allowing the eggs to develop to Stage II.

My PCOS was so bad, fertility treatments (like Clomid) would not work. IUI (in-utero insemination - or what dog breeders call artificial insemination with the help of fertility drugs)would not work. I was not going to ovulate on my own. My ONLY option - in-vitro fertilization (IVF).

It hit me - I was infertile. In the time since my first diagnosis, it finally dawned on me I was infertile. I have heard of women having breakdowns because they were infertile. They didn't feel like whole women and were mad at God for not allowing them to have children. I felt none of that. But, I knew what must be done. My husband and I did want kids and now was the time to start.