It is now Fri, Jan 30. I went through a week of work. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out physically and emotionally. I don't want to be doing this right now. I want to go back to lucky-go-happy Dana. I want to stop crying.
My best friend had a baby last year. He will be a year old in March. You know what's funny - she was on birth control when she got pregnant. I am so happy for her. She loves her son; and he's adorable.
But, it's not fair. Why are there some women who can easily get pregnant and some who cannot? My best friend is a great mother but why do some people who have no business being parents pop out child after child after child? My husband would be a great father. I should say, my husband WILL be a great father.
Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? God, am I supposed to be a mother? Right now, I have no idea why I'm doing this?
My period started yesterday. On its own for the first time in almost 2 years. It's a hard one, too. I actually have cramps. I haven't had cramps in years. For those of you who have horrible cramps and PMDD, I'm sorry. I hope I'm not being insensitive to you. My emotions are up and down, up and down.
Now, it's time to prepare the uterus on Feb 18 I start lupron shots. I ordered my meds and yesterday and got them today. I went to a movie with my husband. We had a good time. When we got home, I cried. Why? Because that's what I do. I need a pick-me-up. Any takers?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Stimulating ovaries
I know it's a lot of posts on one day, but I'm catching you up to today :).
In October, we (my husband and I, cause he's doing this with me) started our first IVF cycle. My protocol was follistim and ganirelex. I went in every morning for my bloodwork and ultrasound (vaginal, btw). They were testing my estradiol levels and how many follicles my ovaries were developing. I was going no where.
It turned out, my injection pen malfuntioned (or I did). It wasn't delivering the follistim. When we discovered this on the fifth day, they upped my dose to make up for lost time.
I had taken every morning off for a week. I teach, so that meant sub plans. Thankfully they were working on a group project, so the sub just needed to be crowd control.
My ovaries started to develop, but not fast enough. They cancelled my treatment. I was heartbroken, I think. My estrogen levels were so out of wack my emotions were running wild. I cried at the doctor's office with the IVF nurse, but not because I was upset about the cancellation. But because I just cried. The nurse told me she could tell my hormones were all wrong, so I needed to cancel. So, they gave me some drugs to stop the stimulation and to have those follicles absorbed. I went in for a supression check. Guess what - the follicles exploded! I was stimulating like I needed to, only it was too late. And, I couldn't start immediately. It was now November. The IVF lab closes for Christmas, and with that schedule I'd run into Christmas.
They induced another period around Christmas time. It started on Sat, Jan 3, so I went to the doctor's office on Sun (yes, I went on the weekends). They gave me a supression check and started me on my meds again on Monday. This time I went to the doctor at 7:00 in the morning so I wouldn't need a sub. I didn't grow very fast. On day five they started talking about canceling. But, I was a late bloomer....wait, please..... On Friday they needed my estradiol levels to be at 400 or greater. At school we were having a Spiritual Renewal Day. I was a basket-case. I tried really hard to be a part of the festivities. When the phone rang from the nurse, I ran to answer it.....quivering the whole way. "Dana, your estradiol is at 487." I cried!!!!!!!
Within a week my levels were up 5500. It was bad. I overstimulated. I started to retain fluid. I got really tired. I started to feel sick. It's known as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).
It started to hurt to sit down. Once seated I was fine, but getting there was a pain in the ovaries. It hurt to stand up. When I was on my feet all day, and at the end of the day I was miserable.
On Sun, Jan 18 I went in for retrieval. They gave me hetastarch before I started and retrieved the eggs - 48 of them! That's A LOT of eggs. They tried to fertilize 8 and succeeded with 6. They froze 33 eggs. I woke up feeling horrible, and it went down from there.
I had a bad week. I felt like a curse word I don't like to say, but it rhymes with dog poop. My abdominal area swelled and I gained 7 pounds of fluid. I was in PAIN. I was on Percocet, so I slept most of the time.
I returned to light duties at work on Mon, Jan 26. Oh, I hurt. I was angry. I already hated my body. When I was a kid, I danced. I had a body of pure muscle. I now know I was beautiful. Now I am fat. I have a BMI of just less than obese (thanks PCOS). The OHSS made me worse. I no longer fit in my size 12 clothes. I have three pairs of pants that I can wear to work - one of them maternity. I feel disgusting and angry. Also, I'm off my daily estrogen injections, and my emotions are feeling it.
In October, we (my husband and I, cause he's doing this with me) started our first IVF cycle. My protocol was follistim and ganirelex. I went in every morning for my bloodwork and ultrasound (vaginal, btw). They were testing my estradiol levels and how many follicles my ovaries were developing. I was going no where.
It turned out, my injection pen malfuntioned (or I did). It wasn't delivering the follistim. When we discovered this on the fifth day, they upped my dose to make up for lost time.
I had taken every morning off for a week. I teach, so that meant sub plans. Thankfully they were working on a group project, so the sub just needed to be crowd control.
My ovaries started to develop, but not fast enough. They cancelled my treatment. I was heartbroken, I think. My estrogen levels were so out of wack my emotions were running wild. I cried at the doctor's office with the IVF nurse, but not because I was upset about the cancellation. But because I just cried. The nurse told me she could tell my hormones were all wrong, so I needed to cancel. So, they gave me some drugs to stop the stimulation and to have those follicles absorbed. I went in for a supression check. Guess what - the follicles exploded! I was stimulating like I needed to, only it was too late. And, I couldn't start immediately. It was now November. The IVF lab closes for Christmas, and with that schedule I'd run into Christmas.
They induced another period around Christmas time. It started on Sat, Jan 3, so I went to the doctor's office on Sun (yes, I went on the weekends). They gave me a supression check and started me on my meds again on Monday. This time I went to the doctor at 7:00 in the morning so I wouldn't need a sub. I didn't grow very fast. On day five they started talking about canceling. But, I was a late bloomer....wait, please..... On Friday they needed my estradiol levels to be at 400 or greater. At school we were having a Spiritual Renewal Day. I was a basket-case. I tried really hard to be a part of the festivities. When the phone rang from the nurse, I ran to answer it.....quivering the whole way. "Dana, your estradiol is at 487." I cried!!!!!!!
Within a week my levels were up 5500. It was bad. I overstimulated. I started to retain fluid. I got really tired. I started to feel sick. It's known as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).
It started to hurt to sit down. Once seated I was fine, but getting there was a pain in the ovaries. It hurt to stand up. When I was on my feet all day, and at the end of the day I was miserable.
On Sun, Jan 18 I went in for retrieval. They gave me hetastarch before I started and retrieved the eggs - 48 of them! That's A LOT of eggs. They tried to fertilize 8 and succeeded with 6. They froze 33 eggs. I woke up feeling horrible, and it went down from there.
I had a bad week. I felt like a curse word I don't like to say, but it rhymes with dog poop. My abdominal area swelled and I gained 7 pounds of fluid. I was in PAIN. I was on Percocet, so I slept most of the time.
I returned to light duties at work on Mon, Jan 26. Oh, I hurt. I was angry. I already hated my body. When I was a kid, I danced. I had a body of pure muscle. I now know I was beautiful. Now I am fat. I have a BMI of just less than obese (thanks PCOS). The OHSS made me worse. I no longer fit in my size 12 clothes. I have three pairs of pants that I can wear to work - one of them maternity. I feel disgusting and angry. Also, I'm off my daily estrogen injections, and my emotions are feeling it.
Why don't you just adopt?
When I learned I couldn't have kids, I didn't mind sharing it with people. It didn't bother me I couldn't have kids. There were so many options, and being childless is not the end of the world.
I stopped telling people though. Many felt sorry for me. I didn't want that. Others tried to give advice. They were well intentioned, so I didn't mind. But I really stopped for one reason:
"You know the cure for infertility......adopt. As soon as you adopt, bam, you'll get pregnant. It's because you'll no longer be stressed about having a baby. You can just relax and let it happen."
THWAP!
That's me, smacking the person for telling me that. I am NOT infertile because I am stressed. I'm stressed because you keep making insensitive comments. Go away! (Not you, my reader)
I stopped telling people though. Many felt sorry for me. I didn't want that. Others tried to give advice. They were well intentioned, so I didn't mind. But I really stopped for one reason:
"You know the cure for infertility......adopt. As soon as you adopt, bam, you'll get pregnant. It's because you'll no longer be stressed about having a baby. You can just relax and let it happen."
THWAP!
That's me, smacking the person for telling me that. I am NOT infertile because I am stressed. I'm stressed because you keep making insensitive comments. Go away! (Not you, my reader)
You'll have trouble having kids...
My gyn told me that six years ago. Okay, I was 25 and wasn't thinking about kids yet, so I didn't care. What I cared about was the fact that I was rapidly gaining weight, getting more acne than when I was a teenager, and growing a moustache. I was fine not having my menstrual cycle. It was a pain in the rear end anyway. But, I was diagnosed with PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. A syndrome doctors only cared about when their women couldn't have kids and pass on the fantastic doctor genes. But, at least there was a treatment - birth control. I didn't want kids anyway.
Fast forward to 2007 (two years ago). I was 29 and in my last year of grad school. I had a great job, made good money, and was ready to become an adult. My husband and I started talking kids. So, off the pill I went (okay, it was the Nuvaring, which is an awesome BC). And three months later, the periods stopped again.
So back on the BC for a few months, off the BC for a few months, on the BC.......(see where this is going?).
My emotions were nuts! I stressed over nothing and was depressed. And I'm an eater when I'm depressed....packed on the pounds. I wasn't freaking out about kids, though. My husband and I were okay without them. Our lives were still fulfilled, and we didn't need kids to complete us. But, I had to deal with those emotions. Enter Endocrinologist.
I was recommended to a great endocrinologist who had turned fertility specialist. She poked and proded and measured and really looked at what was going on. Most PCOS is caused by insulin intolerance, but not all. A small percentage of women with PCOS are caused by other things. I am one of that small percentage. My LH is waaaaaaaaaay too high. The normal LH:FSH ratio is 1:1. A PCOS woman is usually 3:1. Mine is 12:1. So, my little follicles don't get a chance to produce an egg. Therefore, my ovaries aren't producing my normal hormones. That causes the other symptoms.
My PCOS is so bad, there's really nothing anyone can do about it. In her time working with PCOS patients (since the early 1980's), she informed me I am the worst case she had ever seen. Lovely. Treatment options: birth control.
Do we wanna have a baby?
I was 30. Good education, great job, why not? I wasn't getting any younger, and neither were my eggs. Wait, what eggs? Okay, I know the path of making eggs. Women are like scorpions. We are born with all the eggs we'll have - our venom. But, they are all stuck at Stage I Meiosis. Each month one (typically) develops to Stage II so you have one egg and three basal bodies. (I'm a science teacher.) The LH in my body was not allowing the eggs to develop to Stage II.
My PCOS was so bad, fertility treatments (like Clomid) would not work. IUI (in-utero insemination - or what dog breeders call artificial insemination with the help of fertility drugs)would not work. I was not going to ovulate on my own. My ONLY option - in-vitro fertilization (IVF).
It hit me - I was infertile. In the time since my first diagnosis, it finally dawned on me I was infertile. I have heard of women having breakdowns because they were infertile. They didn't feel like whole women and were mad at God for not allowing them to have children. I felt none of that. But, I knew what must be done. My husband and I did want kids and now was the time to start.
Fast forward to 2007 (two years ago). I was 29 and in my last year of grad school. I had a great job, made good money, and was ready to become an adult. My husband and I started talking kids. So, off the pill I went (okay, it was the Nuvaring, which is an awesome BC). And three months later, the periods stopped again.
So back on the BC for a few months, off the BC for a few months, on the BC.......(see where this is going?).
My emotions were nuts! I stressed over nothing and was depressed. And I'm an eater when I'm depressed....packed on the pounds. I wasn't freaking out about kids, though. My husband and I were okay without them. Our lives were still fulfilled, and we didn't need kids to complete us. But, I had to deal with those emotions. Enter Endocrinologist.
I was recommended to a great endocrinologist who had turned fertility specialist. She poked and proded and measured and really looked at what was going on. Most PCOS is caused by insulin intolerance, but not all. A small percentage of women with PCOS are caused by other things. I am one of that small percentage. My LH is waaaaaaaaaay too high. The normal LH:FSH ratio is 1:1. A PCOS woman is usually 3:1. Mine is 12:1. So, my little follicles don't get a chance to produce an egg. Therefore, my ovaries aren't producing my normal hormones. That causes the other symptoms.
My PCOS is so bad, there's really nothing anyone can do about it. In her time working with PCOS patients (since the early 1980's), she informed me I am the worst case she had ever seen. Lovely. Treatment options: birth control.
Do we wanna have a baby?
I was 30. Good education, great job, why not? I wasn't getting any younger, and neither were my eggs. Wait, what eggs? Okay, I know the path of making eggs. Women are like scorpions. We are born with all the eggs we'll have - our venom. But, they are all stuck at Stage I Meiosis. Each month one (typically) develops to Stage II so you have one egg and three basal bodies. (I'm a science teacher.) The LH in my body was not allowing the eggs to develop to Stage II.
My PCOS was so bad, fertility treatments (like Clomid) would not work. IUI (in-utero insemination - or what dog breeders call artificial insemination with the help of fertility drugs)would not work. I was not going to ovulate on my own. My ONLY option - in-vitro fertilization (IVF).
It hit me - I was infertile. In the time since my first diagnosis, it finally dawned on me I was infertile. I have heard of women having breakdowns because they were infertile. They didn't feel like whole women and were mad at God for not allowing them to have children. I felt none of that. But, I knew what must be done. My husband and I did want kids and now was the time to start.
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