So Sunday I was in church. We actually got there on time, I felt well rested, it was raining (and I LOVE rain), and things were just going my way. I should have known then.........
In my church we have congregational singing instead of a choir. I love it that way. We were standing singing a song I've known my whole life and love to sing: "We will glorify the King of kings; we will glorify the Lamb." I was also watching the family in front of me that you could tell just loved being a family together.
They have biological children of their own but opened their home and hearts to a sibling couple and adopted them a couple of months ago. The younger one is about four years old.
The little boy walked quickly from his older sister to his mom and streached his arms out to her. Mom got a big smile on her face, put her songbook down, picked the boy up, and was rewarded with the biggest hug in the world.
It was beautiful. It was precious. It was amazing and all that it should be. I burst into tears.
I have never minded being infertile. If we don't have kids, Jason and I are perfectly happy with just us. But, I have been pumping my body with hormones it is not used to. Now I get angry and teary-eyed when I see people have what I am trying to have.
I love the women at my work. They are fabulous Christian women. I have not told them I'm in the middle of IVF because that's just me. I don't want to answer a thousand questions from them about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, how's it going. But I can't sit with them at lunch much longer. I'm tired of listening to them talk about what their pregnancy was like. How their childbirth experiences compared. Planning baby showers and nurseries. One even talks about how being a mother is the only way a woman in the world should be. Yeah, she has two and easily conceived both.
Before I started IVF, these things did not bother me. So, they must be fake emotions. They are my drug-induced emotions and do not belong to me.
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I've known for many years that I would not be able to get pregnant on my own. At first it was really hard to tell anyone. I told my closest friends...my mom told the family (although I wish she didn't at the time). As time went on, I told more and more people. I think it's better that they know because 1) I know these people care about me and 2) it keeps them from always asking me when am I going to have a baby, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt's still hard to see other people pregnant (especially when they were not even trying) and see babies & children. I see no way around those feelings - with or without hormones...